Today my stress and worry about fostering and adoption has been sky high. I keep fretting that our opportunity to be parents aren't in our hands, that other people get to decide if I get to be a Mommy!!! Our 3 references have to tell the agency so much about us. Are they going to say too little? Are they going to say too much? Are they going to say too many bad things????
If we do end up passing with our references, we still have to make a good enough impressions with our home study and other paperwork. Although being a Mommy is ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED since I was 4 years old, I just don't feel confident that a stranger will think I will be a good Mommy.
I just pray that Heavenly Father will allow me to be comforted, confident and be ok. I just REALLY hope that things work out and Kendall and I FINALLY get to be parents to children we hold in our arms!!!!
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Deciding to foster and adopt
As I mentioned in the previous post, Kendall and I have lost 4 children during pregnancy. We lost Micah at 24weeks in February 2014, Allison at 6weeks in May 2014 and twins Heidi&Noah at 8weeks in August 2015. After the loss of Heidi and Noah, it was discovered that I have an abnormality in my uterus that was causing these losses. Although this abnormality is easy to fix with a simple and fast surgery, Kendall and I felt that Heavenly Father did not want us to get the surgery and that He wanted us to foster and adopt.
Kendall and I talked quite a bit about fostering and adopting on Thursday (4/7/16) and made the decision yesterday (4/8/16) to start paperwork with an agency. One of Kendall's co-works and his wife just became foster parents with an agency here in Columbia called Great Circle and had their first placement on Monday. I called Great Circle up yesterday morning and was e-mailed the application. Kendall and I told Robin about our plans and began filling out the paperwork. We called our families last night and told them and they are all so excited and happy for us. We announced it to everyone else this morning and also received very positive responses.
After we complete the paperwork and turn it in, we will be given a caseworker and have a home study. Once we pass the home study, we will have 9 weeks of training and then we will be foster parents. When the time comes for adoption, we will have to take more training. We are open to get one single child (any age) or a sibling set with 2 or maybe 3 children. Kendall and I are SO VERY EXCITED to FINALLY have the opportunity to have children in our arms!!!! We know it will be very difficult with lots of ups, downs, tears and smiles, but we know everything will be worth it in the end!!!!
Kendall and I talked quite a bit about fostering and adopting on Thursday (4/7/16) and made the decision yesterday (4/8/16) to start paperwork with an agency. One of Kendall's co-works and his wife just became foster parents with an agency here in Columbia called Great Circle and had their first placement on Monday. I called Great Circle up yesterday morning and was e-mailed the application. Kendall and I told Robin about our plans and began filling out the paperwork. We called our families last night and told them and they are all so excited and happy for us. We announced it to everyone else this morning and also received very positive responses.
After we complete the paperwork and turn it in, we will be given a caseworker and have a home study. Once we pass the home study, we will have 9 weeks of training and then we will be foster parents. When the time comes for adoption, we will have to take more training. We are open to get one single child (any age) or a sibling set with 2 or maybe 3 children. Kendall and I are SO VERY EXCITED to FINALLY have the opportunity to have children in our arms!!!! We know it will be very difficult with lots of ups, downs, tears and smiles, but we know everything will be worth it in the end!!!!
Catching Up and Our 4 Angels
I am so sorry that I haven't written on this blog since I started it. I was so busy with life that I didn't have time to write on it and then I just forgot all about it. I will do my best to catch you all up on what has been going on the past 31/2 years.
Kendall and I did get married at the Los Angeles LDS Temple on September 8, 2012. It was a day filled with so many highs and lows but everything was worth it in the end. The day after our wedding, Kendall started our drive to our honeymoon in Arkansas while Kendall's family drove all of my stuff to my new home in Missouri. Kendall's family asked Robin (my twin sister and VERY BEST FRIEND) to tag along with them. Robin was suppose to stay for only a few days, but except for a 4 month stint back in California to get her affairs in order, she has remained in Missouri to this day.
Kendall and I had an amazing honeymoon at DeGray Lake in Arkansas. After our honeymoon, we drove to my new home in Saint Joseph (St.Joe) Missouri. The first couple weeks of our marriage went pretty smoothly and we were settling in wonderfully. Without warning though, 3 weeks into our marriage, Kendall comes home from work early with the news that he had just been laid off and he didn't have a job anymore. We spent the next 3 months in complete stress trying to find a new job. Kendall spent HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS trying to find a job in St. Joe and surrounding areas. Kendall still owned the house we were living in so we wanted a job where we wouldn't have to move.
Unfortunately the only job Kendall was able to find was working as a computer programmer for the Kansas State Department of Education in Topeka, Kansas. We had to move 90 minutes away from St. Joe and lived in a small barn that had been converted into an apartment. The 'apartment' was about 30 minutes north of Topeka on a gravel road. Through many experiences, Kendall and I ended up HATING Kansas, Topeka, Kendall's job and his work environment. After a full year of living in Topeka, we even went back to living in St Joe for a year and Kendall just commuting the 90 minutes one way to work, just to get get away from Kansas as much as possible. It ended up not working out, so we had to move back to Topeka for another year until Kendall could find another job away from Kansas.
While we were living in Kansas the first time, we found out I was pregnant. Kendall and I were SOOOOOO HAPPY!!!! We both have been waiting to be parents as long as we could remember and were ECSTATIC to finally have our wish come true. Even though I had REALLY BAD morning sickness, I was still so happy for the little baby growing inside me and couldn't wait for him or her to come. We found out it was a boy when I was 21 weeks along and already had the name Micah Stanley picked out for him. Tragically, Micah's heart stopped when I was 24weeks along and he was born still on February 6, 2014, just 2 days before my 34th birthday. He was born at 9:56 AM and was 12 inches long and weighed 1lb4.6oz. Although he wasn't filled out as full term baby, Micah was SO HANDSOME to me. He had cute ears, an adorable button nose, gorgeous dark blue eyes, BLINDING blonde hair, and 10 tiny fingers and toes.
Kendall and I were devastated!!!! We couldn't believe our little boy was gone. We had so many wishes and plans for Micah and our future but they all came to an end with the stopping of his heart. I can't put into words what those many days, weeks and months were like for us after Micah left. They were dark, lonely and stormy. We were so lost and we felt so alone.
Things started to get better after about 3 months after Micah passed away. Our lives weren't as dark and we felt a great need to have another baby. Kendall and I found out I was pregnant again on Mothers Day (May 11th) 2014. We were once again so happy!!!! We couldn't believe that we were given another opportunity to become parents and hopefully this time, this Rainbow Baby would make it into our arms. "A Rainbow Baby is a baby born after a loss of a child. It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with it's aftermath. It means something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides counterbalance of color, energy and hope." Sadly once again, we lost this baby too, Allison Rain at 5weeks3days on May 21, 2014, on the 31/2 month mark of losing Micah.
Life went on after losing Allison. We had to move back to Topeka for a year while Kendall tried desperately to find another job. He looked everywhere in the country but couldn't find anything. He had many prospects and interviews with companies in Montana, Colorado, Louisiana, Texas, an other places but we never heard back from them when it came to the final interview.
After taking a full year off from trying to conceive (TTC), I became pregnant again, this time with twins, Heidi Nicole and Noah Ezekiel. Tragically, once again, we lost them at 7weeks6day. I had been heavily bleeding since 5weeks but I had 2 ultrasounds that showed the twins were doing ok, although they were measuring small. Sadly though I passed Heidi on August 9, 2015. Another ultrasound the following day showed Noah was still inside me but his heart had stopped.
Once again, we were devastated that we had lost 2 more children. We couldn't believe that we now were the parents of 4 Angels but still had no children in our arms. I went to several doctors to find out why I was losing our children. After many months, it was discovered that I have an abnormal uterus called Septate Uterus. A thick wall of bloodless tissue divides my uterus in 2 parts. This abnormality causes early miscarriage if the baby attaches to this wall because the baby won't get the blood and nutrients the baby needs to survive and grow. It causes still-birth (Micah) because the baby has less room to grow with the wall dividing the uterus.
Two months after losing Heidi and Noah, Kendall finally found a new job working as a computer programmer for a bio-research company named IDEXX. Kendall really likes his job, work environment and co-workers. Robin came along with Kendall and I when we moved and the 3 of us are LOVING Columbia!!!! There is SO MUCH to do here and a fantastic mix of nature and city life. Columbia is BEAUTIFUL and the people and culture here is FANTASTIC!!!! I could gladly live in Columbia for the rest of my life. I will make another post soon about all the reasons WE HEART CoMo!!!!!
Kendall and I did get married at the Los Angeles LDS Temple on September 8, 2012. It was a day filled with so many highs and lows but everything was worth it in the end. The day after our wedding, Kendall started our drive to our honeymoon in Arkansas while Kendall's family drove all of my stuff to my new home in Missouri. Kendall's family asked Robin (my twin sister and VERY BEST FRIEND) to tag along with them. Robin was suppose to stay for only a few days, but except for a 4 month stint back in California to get her affairs in order, she has remained in Missouri to this day.
Kendall and I had an amazing honeymoon at DeGray Lake in Arkansas. After our honeymoon, we drove to my new home in Saint Joseph (St.Joe) Missouri. The first couple weeks of our marriage went pretty smoothly and we were settling in wonderfully. Without warning though, 3 weeks into our marriage, Kendall comes home from work early with the news that he had just been laid off and he didn't have a job anymore. We spent the next 3 months in complete stress trying to find a new job. Kendall spent HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS trying to find a job in St. Joe and surrounding areas. Kendall still owned the house we were living in so we wanted a job where we wouldn't have to move.
Unfortunately the only job Kendall was able to find was working as a computer programmer for the Kansas State Department of Education in Topeka, Kansas. We had to move 90 minutes away from St. Joe and lived in a small barn that had been converted into an apartment. The 'apartment' was about 30 minutes north of Topeka on a gravel road. Through many experiences, Kendall and I ended up HATING Kansas, Topeka, Kendall's job and his work environment. After a full year of living in Topeka, we even went back to living in St Joe for a year and Kendall just commuting the 90 minutes one way to work, just to get get away from Kansas as much as possible. It ended up not working out, so we had to move back to Topeka for another year until Kendall could find another job away from Kansas.
While we were living in Kansas the first time, we found out I was pregnant. Kendall and I were SOOOOOO HAPPY!!!! We both have been waiting to be parents as long as we could remember and were ECSTATIC to finally have our wish come true. Even though I had REALLY BAD morning sickness, I was still so happy for the little baby growing inside me and couldn't wait for him or her to come. We found out it was a boy when I was 21 weeks along and already had the name Micah Stanley picked out for him. Tragically, Micah's heart stopped when I was 24weeks along and he was born still on February 6, 2014, just 2 days before my 34th birthday. He was born at 9:56 AM and was 12 inches long and weighed 1lb4.6oz. Although he wasn't filled out as full term baby, Micah was SO HANDSOME to me. He had cute ears, an adorable button nose, gorgeous dark blue eyes, BLINDING blonde hair, and 10 tiny fingers and toes.
Kendall and I were devastated!!!! We couldn't believe our little boy was gone. We had so many wishes and plans for Micah and our future but they all came to an end with the stopping of his heart. I can't put into words what those many days, weeks and months were like for us after Micah left. They were dark, lonely and stormy. We were so lost and we felt so alone.
Things started to get better after about 3 months after Micah passed away. Our lives weren't as dark and we felt a great need to have another baby. Kendall and I found out I was pregnant again on Mothers Day (May 11th) 2014. We were once again so happy!!!! We couldn't believe that we were given another opportunity to become parents and hopefully this time, this Rainbow Baby would make it into our arms. "A Rainbow Baby is a baby born after a loss of a child. It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with it's aftermath. It means something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides counterbalance of color, energy and hope." Sadly once again, we lost this baby too, Allison Rain at 5weeks3days on May 21, 2014, on the 31/2 month mark of losing Micah.
Life went on after losing Allison. We had to move back to Topeka for a year while Kendall tried desperately to find another job. He looked everywhere in the country but couldn't find anything. He had many prospects and interviews with companies in Montana, Colorado, Louisiana, Texas, an other places but we never heard back from them when it came to the final interview.
After taking a full year off from trying to conceive (TTC), I became pregnant again, this time with twins, Heidi Nicole and Noah Ezekiel. Tragically, once again, we lost them at 7weeks6day. I had been heavily bleeding since 5weeks but I had 2 ultrasounds that showed the twins were doing ok, although they were measuring small. Sadly though I passed Heidi on August 9, 2015. Another ultrasound the following day showed Noah was still inside me but his heart had stopped.
Once again, we were devastated that we had lost 2 more children. We couldn't believe that we now were the parents of 4 Angels but still had no children in our arms. I went to several doctors to find out why I was losing our children. After many months, it was discovered that I have an abnormal uterus called Septate Uterus. A thick wall of bloodless tissue divides my uterus in 2 parts. This abnormality causes early miscarriage if the baby attaches to this wall because the baby won't get the blood and nutrients the baby needs to survive and grow. It causes still-birth (Micah) because the baby has less room to grow with the wall dividing the uterus.
Two months after losing Heidi and Noah, Kendall finally found a new job working as a computer programmer for a bio-research company named IDEXX. Kendall really likes his job, work environment and co-workers. Robin came along with Kendall and I when we moved and the 3 of us are LOVING Columbia!!!! There is SO MUCH to do here and a fantastic mix of nature and city life. Columbia is BEAUTIFUL and the people and culture here is FANTASTIC!!!! I could gladly live in Columbia for the rest of my life. I will make another post soon about all the reasons WE HEART CoMo!!!!!
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